Body Image and Pregnancy

Negative body image in pregnancy

Body image is a sensitive subject for many, including myself, at the best of times. Throw in a kaleidoscope of hormones along with an unsettled mind due to the life changing path you are now taking, and that can make anyone more susceptible to negative thinking. When your general disposition is slightly towards the negative, then it makes sense that the way you view yourself, including your body, is in that way too. Not only are you now predisposed to judge your body negatively, but you also have a large number of people commenting on your body too. Fabulous! Please keep pointing out the fact that my belly is getting bigger, I really wanted someone to shove that down my throat (because I haven’t done it enough myself).

I realise that commentators on your body and pregnancy size do not intend to cause offence. I also realise that their comments, in an ideal world, shouldn’t cause me offense. I am getting bigger - that’s a fact. But offense it does cause, as I am an imperfect girl filled with wounds and negative programming. 

Reducing the intensity of my training

A significant contributor to the increase in my negative body image during pregnancy is the fact that I had to reduce the amount and intensity of my exercise training. I went from averaging 10-15 sessions a week, training Muay Thai, weights, and for a triathlon, to going to the gym once or twice a week (thank you Morning Sickness). This huge decline in the volume and intensity of my training left me feeling lazy and disgusting. I truly felt like a total loser, doing nothing with my life. I became mostly sofa ridden - and I consumed a lot of KFC.

Due to my KFC consumption, extreme reduction in exercise, and the fact that I was now pregnant (hello bloating xx) it was completely natural to expect a steady weight gain. Over the months, I put on body fat, gained weight, and lost muscle. I went from the body I admired and was proud of, to the body that I was trying to avoid. 

Previous history of an eating disorder

When I was 15 years old, I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. I was obsessed with calorie counting and being skinny. I saw my value in the number on the weighing scale. Any day that number dropped I felt like a human being worthy of being alive. Any day that number increased, oh boy, I can’t even describe that feeling. Pure hatred, loathing and disgust, would be the closest words I can find. Luckily, there was a part of me that didn’t feel comfortable with the horrible way I was talking to and viewing myself. I acknowledged it wasn’t healthy, and that I needed help. Many a year later, I have softened the voice of that inner, abusive critic, but a residue remains.

As these wounds resurfaced, I didn’t have the power of working my body to the max, as I did pre-pregnancy. I had to accept the fact that I would gain weight, I would lose muscle and some strength, and I would need time off training the way I wanted to train. Perhaps for the first time in a very long time, I was forced to confront the problem face on, with no protection from outside sources. It was me vs my mind.

Challenging my perspective 

If your perspective is the way you view your life, it makes sense to suggest, “change your perspective, change your life”. It sounds too simple to be true. Maybe it is. Maybe, it’s not that simple. Changing your perspective, AKA, rewriting the years of programming and conditioning that has wired your unconscious mind to view things in a particular way, is not as easy as it seems. 

How the fuck does one do it? Great question. When you find the answer please let me know. Nonetheless, here’s my best attempt at giving you an answer:

1. Acknowledge that your brain can be, and is often, wrong. A practical example here which everyone can understand, is an optical illusion. It’s not actually moving, we all know that, but it sure does look like it’s moving.

2. Realise that the way you view yourself or a particular aspect of your life, may be wrong also.

3. Identify what this view is, and think of ways you can challenge it . Write these down. E.g. challenging the view “I am fat”. Are you 100% body fat? Are you unable to move because you are so obese? 

4. Uncover the true meaning of the statement you tell yourself. The statement usually reflects a feeling we have rather than a factual statement. E.g. “I am fat” > “I feel ugly” > “I feel like I’m not good enough the way I am”. I’ll call this the true feeling.

5. Once you’ve discovered your true feeling, don’t run! Sit with it. Meditate on it, write it down and look at it. Acknowledge it with curiousity rather than judgment. Ask where it came from? In what other ways does this feeling manifest in your life? In what ways is this helpful or unhelpful?

6. Write down an alternative, more positive statement. Reflect and repeat it to yourself daily. “I am good enough the way I am”.

Time, patience and kindness

Although you’d like it to, this won’t magically fix you overnight. Healing takes work and is a constant journey you can choose to embark on for the better. The most important reminder, is that if you are trying and you put in the effort, progress will happen. Healing is active, not passive. You cannot just wait for it to happen, you have to choose to do it. 

Be kind to yourself. Open up your mind and your heart. Listen to your feelings but don’t be a slave to them. Learn as much as you can from others and from yourself. Trust that things can, and will get better. It’s up to you now.

Lots and lots of love, and even more love,

Jess xx